Book review: Once You Go In

Dangerous Readers-A

Once You Go In: A Memoir of Radical Faith

By Carly Gelsinger

(She Writes Press, 2018)

 

When God created Adam God declared it was not good for man to be alone, so Eve was created to ease Adam’s loneliness. The Old Testament is the story of individuals creating community with God and with one another. It is natural for us to long to belong to others whether this is within families, neighborhoods, sports team fandom, or within a faith tradition. We want to belong.

In her memoir, Once You Go In, Carly Gelsinger describes her adolescent longing to be part of a group, especially a particular church group in her small Northern California town, the Pine Canyon Assemblies of God Church. She grew up in a loving family of four living in the country, singing Beatles songs and Broadway tunes together. “We sang ‘All You Need is Love’ as the sun set behind the wall of pine trees next to us ….My heart bubbled over with the sense that love filled our longs, and that love was bigger than the canyon surrounding us.” And because of this love Gelsinger sensed a Love beyond and greater than the love experienced in her family. “…I had an inexplicable draw to be near to God from a young age.”

One day, while bicycling around town she spots a vinyl banner hanging in front of the Assemblies of God Church with the announcement: “Voice in the Desert Youth, 7 p.m. Thursdays.”

Youth. The word makes me picture slumber parties and pepperoni pizza and group photos and matching T-shirts. The Baptist church I’ve been going to off and on for years doesn’t have Youth. They have babies and old people, and Vacation Bible School, which is for little kids. I wonder what it would be like to have a group, a place to belong.

And Gelsinger joins the youth group. Her well-written memoir tells us of her efforts to belong to this church and what it cost her in terms of her relationships with her family, herself, and with God.

Throughout Gelsinger’s story she tries to understand what the group norms are, to tease apart the religious language, and to guess at the expectations of the church. Despite her efforts she apparently falls short of understanding the religious culture of this small Pentecostal church. Gelsinger attempts to live the kind of godly life the church teaches.  What she doesn’t realize until she was a young adult was no matter how hard she tries to fit in, to fully belong to this congregation, she will always fall short because the god this church worships is mean-spirited, angry, and frequently punishes those who disappoint him. When she disappoints her pastor, his wife, and the youth leaders, she is, in effect, disappointing God and lives in fear of being excluded from the church.

Gelsinger tells several stories of how the church leaders would distinguish church members as separate from non-church members by underscoring their belief that “we are special, we are the faithful ones that God will use to save the world.” The leaders emphasize that “we believe and practice our faith the correct way because we are on fire for the Lord while other people are lukewarm in their faith.” The people were continually exhorted to convert the lukewarm believers and non-believers but “if you can’t convert them then you must separate yourself from those people because they will be an evil influence on you.” Of course, the leaders use the language of “encouraging one another, exhorting for good, and offering godly discipline” to control the group rather than focusing on God’s mercy and love.

Gelsinger remains a part of the church throughout her adolescence in which she genuinely loves God and wants to be God’s faithful servant. She speaks in tongues, prays for miracles, witnesses to her peers, while experiencing life as an American teenager. The church’s emphasis on salvation on their terms puts a strain on Gelsinger’s relationship with her parents, enduring pressure from church leaders to “save” her father who grew up Catholic. She is encouraged by the youth pastor and his wife to refrain from the family activity of listening and singing to the Beatles and other forms of secular music. The same youth pastor and wife routinely suggests that Gelsinger’s family carries generational sin which prevents Gelsinger from becoming a great woman of God. Ultimately, after a confrontation by the youth pastor and wife for having a “Spirit of Rebellion” Gelsinger’s mother tells her, “You are brainwashed.” They do not speak for a few weeks afterward.

The confrontation propels Gelsinger into understanding that she needs to get away from Pine Canyon Assemblies of God Church and even Pine Canyon itself. She transfers from the local community college to a small evangelical college thirty miles away. The physical distance provides room for Gelsinger to begin healing from the psychological, emotional, and spiritual wounds inflicted by the small congregation. She begins to find new friends, groups, and her future husband who do not wish to control her or her relationship with God.

Gelsinger marries, moves across the country for graduate school, finds new friends who love her and love God. She starts the painful process of deconstructing her youthful faith while cautiously reconstructing a faith in a loving and merciful God. Eventually, she and her husband visit a number of churches or not attend at all until they wander into an Episcopalian church on a Sunday morning, which was the denomination of her now-deceased loving and merciful grandmother. Gelsinger concludes the book with this description of her faith:

My fire for God changed me, and while I never want to go back, I can see hope is leading the way to something good. It has led me to the slow growth of faith, of small shoots of life pushing up from dead stumps, of expansive views of hope I may have never seen otherwise…I will keep questioning and thanking and running and falling and searching and rebuilding, because this is the process of being alive.

 In her acknowledgments, Gelsinger states: “I am grateful for every person in this story who led me to where I am today …. There are no villains or heroes in this story—just muddling through.” This is a loving and merciful spirit toward her life and the people of her youth. While Gelsinger doesn’t explicitly state it, she now belongs to her family, to God, and to herself.

(This review first appeared in the Englewood Review of Books, November 1, 2018)

Dangerous Readers

Dangerous Readers-A

 

My sister-in-law, a kindergarten teacher for more than twenty years, posted a photo on Facebook of three of her students engrossed in reading books. She wrote: “This makes my heart so happy.”

And there they were, the small chairs pushed against the wall, their feet on the ground, but their faces obscured by large books such as, Hop on Pop and Bunny’s Noisy Book.  Three girls all engrossed in reading. Young girls who read become women who read, and women who read are considered “dangerous” by some.

***

I couldn’t wait to learn to read.  A few weeks before I began kindergarten family friends visited our home after church. The older son, a few years older than me, was studying the Sunday comics. He had them spread open on the floor, while he lay on his stomach, chin resting on his hands, and one foot propped onto his other foot. I watched him reading those comics and it’s my earliest memory of envy. I was so jealous that he could read when I could not.

***

In her forward to the book, Women Who Read Are Dangerous, writer Karen Joy Fowler writes:

In 1523 the Spanish humanist Juan Luis Vives proposed careful male surveillance. ‘The woman ought not to follow her own judgment,’ he said, as she had so little of it. She should read only what men deemed proper and wholesome. He marveled that any father, any husband, would allow his daughter, his wife to read freely.

***

I grew up in a household of books, and my parents encouraged my reading by taking regular trips to the local public library where I checked out stacks of books.  My obsession for reading began early.

In third grade, my teacher read The Little House series by Laura Ingalls Wilder. But she only read a few pages a day which was way too slow for me—I had to know how the story would unfold!  So I checked the books out from the library and hurriedly finished read them ahead of the class. When my teacher read the books, I then savored the stories like I was visiting with old friends.

And, as an early indicator of my future reading habits, when my teacher read a book that was part of a series, I had to read all the books in the series, whether my teacher was going to or not. I convinced my grandmother to take me to her local public library to see if they had a copy of Farmer Boy (from The Little House series) because my library didn’t have a copy. Fortunately, the library did have a copy and she borrowed it for me.

***

Fowler continued in the forward, with irony:

Women are too literal-minded for reading. Women are too sentimental, too empathetic, too distractable for reading. Women are passive, practically somnolent, consumers of popular culture, never realizing how, with the very books they choose, they participate in their own subordination.

Reading did lead me to challenge my subordination—perhaps as far back as the summer between grade 4 and 5. My other grandmother found a large box of Nancy Drew mystery novels and bought them for me which I promptly plunged into. And from that box of books I learned that a young woman could be smart, observant, a problem-solver, and the leader of her group of friends. Subconsciously Nancy Drew became a role model for me, distinct from the description of Christian womanhood I heard at church. My resistance against my own subordination took root because of Nancy Drew, girl detective.

***

Recently, a friend posted about a mother disciplining her daughter for misbehaving in class. The mother’s response to her daughter: “When we get home you’re gonna be sent to your room where the only thing you can do is read.” Many of us despaired that this mother was teaching her daughter that reading was a form of punishment. But my hope is this young girl learns the gift of being sent to one’s room to read. Perhaps, then, this girl could learn to love reading and become a dangerous adult woman who reads.